


Alone

by Davechicken



Series: The Emperor and his Knight [26]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 04:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo doesn't do well alone.





	

Kylo doesn’t know what to do with himself. There’s only so many times you can do circuit training, or clean your saber hilt. Only so many times you can check your robes for damage (and worry more holes into them in the process). Only so many times you can check your comm for no messages, and so many times you can walk onto the bridge and annoy the crew. 

It’s not… It’s not like he’s… It’s not like it’s a problem. He just. He can’t calm down, and the fever trickles down his spine. His body feels like insects are crawling under his skin, and his breathing rattles claustrophobically in the mask. Every place his skin is touched is false fire, and he can’t get the balloon of pressure inside his ribs. Each breath inflates it to creaking, and when he exhales it doesn’t help at all. 

Hot. Too hot. But if he takes things off, he has to stay inside his room. 

It’s nothing. This. It’s nothing. To worry about. 

It’s just… He has no one to talk to. It’s that. It’s having all these terrible thoughts and no one to tell. It’s that his body aches even just for a hand on his shoulder, for someone - _anyone_ \- to come close. To be the level he doesn’t find in his own core. An immobile and immovable focus for him to circle. He can’t feel calm himself, and without the bright reassurance that is Poe, Kylo feels his insides clawing him open. 

“I miss you,” he whispers to the dead comm. “I’m sorry. I’m trying. I know you need to be away. I’m trying.”

It isn’t recording. The message won’t send, and he pours out his agonies with decreasing sanity. 

Sits at the foot of the bed, telling a lover who isn’t there how he’d lost control again. How he’d injured himself in his training, but he didn’t think it was deliberate. How he’d not remembered to stop, or… been able to. 

Food uneaten. Bed unmade. Summons he attends in body only. Listening without processing. 

Three consoles are wrecked, the smell of melted metal and the screams of alarms overhead. He smashes through them, and it does nothing to chill the fires inside of him. He knows it’s irrational, knows he should be fine, but he can’t make what his head knows be what his heart feels, and the knowledge of it makes him shatter. 

He’s just not able to control himself. He’s not able to do the slightest thing. He’s broken, or he’d be able to reason himself through this. Normal people know that a fact is true, and their emotions follow. Normal people don’t stay stuck on thoughts that don’t help. 

If it’s Dark, it’s nothing he wants. The pain and fear he’s drowning in are too much. No amount of power is worth this level of hell. 

When Poe finally comes ‘home’, Kylo won’t even acknowledge him for the longest time. He’s so worn out by feeling bad that he can’t feel good, can’t feel relief that his lover is home. 

It takes all night before he’ll let Poe touch him. 

At all. 

It takes two nights before he lets himself cry. 

It’s a day later before its like he never left at all.


End file.
